“The crimes of the United States have been systematic, constant, vicious, remorseless, but very few people have actually talked about them. You have to hand it to America. It has exercised a quite clinical manipulation of power worldwide while masquerading as a force for universal good. It's a brilliant, even witty, highly successful act of hypnosis...It's a scintillating stratagem.”

- Harold Pinter in his Acceptance Speech for the Nobel Prize for Literature 2005

Citizens of America, and citizens of the world, I am honoured and humbled to receive the Nobel Prize for Hypnosis and Humbug. Make no mistake – it’s not an easy job to tell lies that sound like the truth; to wage war and dress it up like peace; to make a warmongering nation look like a noble hero bearing a solemn burden, that’s what’s tough… (it’s so easy to look like the bully in the schoolyard – look what a mess my predecessor George Bush made!).

What’s that you’re reciting out there? “When the leaders speak of peace/The common folk know/That war is coming./When the leaders curse war/The mobilization order is already written out.” Yeah sure, I sanctioned 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan last week. But I’m not going to curse war – I’m a smart man, I’m not stupid. I’m saying War IS Peace. In which language? Why, that Doublespeak – a British guy Orwell discovered it in 1949, but we American Presidents have been masters of it long before that.

I cannot stand idle in the face of threats to the American people. For make no mistake: Evil does exist in the world. What’s that? Oh you recognized that tune – George Bush’s theme song. But do note, I deliver the line far better than he did.

People are still so suspicious of the US, and Bush’s cowboy act made that so much worse; my main job’s to undo some of that damage.

Whatever mistakes we have made, the plain fact is this: The United States of America has helped underwrite global security for more than six decades with the blood of our citizens and the strength of our arms. America has never fought a war against a democracy, and our closest friends are governments that protect the rights of their citizens.

You see, we don’t go to war with democracies – we have them overthrown – through ‘orange’ revolutions if that’s possible, if not, in military coups. Remember Iran (1953), Guatemala (1954), Dominican Republic (1964), and Chile (1973)? Better not mention Honduras, where I’ve said Zelaya should be reinstated – but haven’t withdrawn our Ambassador, and have even approved an IMF loan of $164m to the coupster’s government. And our closest friends? Well, there’s the Saudi Arabian monarchy; then there was our pal Pinochet; the Shah of Iran; Marcos; Suharto; Zia; Somoza…. As FDR said of Somoza, “He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.”

Those regimes that break the rules must be held accountable. Sanctions must exact a real price. Sanctions against Cuba must continue till Cuba drops communism and becomes a democracy. My distinguished predecessor Henry Kissinger, who received this Prize too, put it well: “we can’t allow a country to go communist just because its people are irresponsible.” The Venezuelan people are pretty irresponsible too – that’s why I’ve just signed a military deal with Colombia’s Uribe; bases in Colombia will come in handy when it’s Venezuela’s turn to play ‘Evil.’

No nation, not even the US, can insist that others follow the rules of the road if we refuse to follow them ourselves. I believe the United States of America must remain a standard bearer in the conduct of war. That is what makes us different from those whom we fight.

Try Bush and Cheney and the rest for war crimes? Try Israel for war crimes after the Goldstone Report? Oh, I don’t think so. International Criminal Courts aren’t for US and OUR best friends. That’s what makes us different! When we say a war is for peace, you’ve got to say so too – else you’re the next enemy of peace against whom we’ll need to wage war….

In any case, you’re going to have to stop interrupting my brilliant, witty, scintillating act of hypnosis! We'll continue to wage wars and palm them off as peace - and get Peace Prizes for it to boot! Yes We Can!